Monday, 31 May 2010

and over to you...

ive now realised that no matter how much i hope for something, there are just some things i cant change by myself.
i cant make people realise how much good they have in their lives, they have to open up their eyes and see past the darkness.
its impossible to make somebody feel something, no matter how much you want them to.
its also impossible to make people keep a promise to you, even if it breaks your heart to see the promise broken.
and even if you wish for something with everything you have, you can never make someone tell the truth until they want to.

but you can make yourself :)
i realise the good, i open my eyes, i feel everything, i keep promises i make, and the truth is the foundation.
some people just dont realise.

Monday, 24 May 2010


some people are always going to lie, be it family, friends or polticans. they're always going to.
they pull at your heart strings, because you care. but you belive them because if you dont, the worst could happen.
the pain for being lied to is more managable than the pain of knowing you couldve helped if something went wrong.
so you carry on like a good person, but being a good person doesnt always mean its painfree.

Sunday, 16 May 2010

simple things

walks in the rain. running through daffodils. rolling down hills. finger painting. painting in general. making a mess. baking cakes and licking the bowl afterwards. kneading bread. standing in a hot shower for ages, steaming up the mirror to write messages on it. singing even though its not in tune. dancing even though i have no rhythm. telling stories. drawing pictures. learning new things. banging on drums. playing the saxophone. kisses on my forehead. kisses on my lips. hugs. chats in the middle of the night. pub gardens. cheesey chips after a night out. dancing like a loon in the middle of a club. knowing my friends are always with me. believing in something else, although not sure exactly what that is. knowing i have an extra ten minutes in bed. duvet days. finishing an essay. walking across a stage. the sense of happiness when an audience applauses. reading poems. jumping in the deep end of the swimming pool. watching fishes. daydreaming. doing something i never thought i could. falling in love, even though it terrifies me. finding out that person likes you back. toast with butter&jam. going home. being here. walking in the night. summer evenings. going to new places. meeting new people. looking at photos. reading through my diary. dyeing my hair. laughing for so long it hurts. laughing so loud people turn around. ribena. comedy. tragedy. writing letters to friends. getting letters from friends. cups of tea. bottles of beer. jager shots. that warm feeling you get after a sip of whiskey. birthday cake. the feeling on sand underneath your feet. making buttercream. knowing you make one person so happy without even trying. accepting whats what. knowing youve done a good thing. karma. being tipped at work. happy customers. acting like a child. late night invitations. people smiling. people getting on.


Friday, 14 May 2010


sometimes little things you hear make you smile.
you never know if they're completely true or not, but sometimes ignorance really is bliss :)

Thursday, 13 May 2010

funny how times change

today started off as a really lovely day. it was sunny, i had flowery clothes on and on the agenda was a presentation with my friends, a walk through nature with another good friend and a work night with my girls.
the presenation was a real laugh, we werent really sure what we were talking about but we had fun while we were doing it :) and i got to spend some time with girls ive known for two years, but never get time to hang out with. girls, giggles and the sunshine. lovely.
jaffa took me walking over the old hills this afternoon, and it was truely lovely. i got to roll down the hills which i havent done in years. i climbed a tree, i bleated at the lambs, i jumped in puddles, i ran through daffodils and i played on a rope swing. i was allowed to be a little girl again.
i was truely happy, i was allowed to sit on a hill and just be for a little bit. i remembered things, i laughed, i cried and i felt alot. just being sat amongst trees and listening to the birds. it was beautiful. and i was happy. the happiest ive been in a long time.
then i came to see my girls, stopping briefly to have a quick rant at a lovely lecturer who knows far too much about my life than she probably should!
we planned an all nighter, and before obviously comes a little fun on facebook. this is where the trouble began, i was having friendly banter with a friend about a photo on facebook, and apparently friendly banter isnt a phrase understood by all.
when some thinks youre "trying to steal somebodys boyfriend" the only evidence they need is something they can make up themselves. so....this obviously leads to five people commenting about the worst things you think about yourself on a public website. what makes it worse is that these people dont know you, theyre just out to hurt someones feelings for a kick.
and i felt that kick.

"wow mate...i didnt know you were all about saving the whales"
"didnt know you had a cow dude!"
"apparently she lost her manners along side her golden weight..."
"does being fat make you rude too? he has a girlfriend!"

im very aware he has a girlfriend. but he also has friends. apparently that isnt allowed anymore.
my girls tried to back me up, but i was aware that whatever we said was adding fuel to the fire. but i couldnt let it go.
those who know me are aware that i dont let many things get to me, and i let even fewer affect me to the extent i show it.
but when people that dont know you, or anything about you, simply see you as a target for their abuse.
its not fair.
its not nice.
its just plain fucking rude.
and it hurts. it really does.
i thought the days of being bullied were over with school. i thought people grew up.

i know its not the end of the world, my girls made me laugh, my friends offered words of comfort and advice.
and then a text made me smile, really smile. and cry, because it was from the friend who took me to the hills, and saw me like the little girl i used to be-
"the place i showed you today, the girl rolling down that slope was beautiful because she laughed and smiled and have fun. fuck anyone else who says otherwise. trust me xx"

things are bad, things are good...but things always have a way of making you smile.

livelaughlove <3

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

short political outburst :)

in the last week, ive found myself so frustrated with people moaning about the election and who got what seats. especially seeing as half of these people didnt vote without good reason (personally, i couldnt afford to go home to vote in a liberal country where my vote would have a chance, as opposed to voting liberal in worcester which is truely conservative) or voted without understanding.
idiocy is one of the main reasons politicans can take advantage of us, they use clever words and the media to convince us that they only speak the truth and want goodness for all.
ill admit im a liberal supporter currently, for many reasons. they want to improve student funding, stop the cuts on the arts and keep married rights for gay couples. why did people not vote for them? because they were the only party to openly admit that to get our country out of the situation its in they would have to raise taxes. the two other majour parties chose to ignore this, and play dumb. but think about it, how do you get out of debt? by raising more money. more money = taxes.
not nice, but its what has to be done.
and theyd actually tax they upper classes more depending on their income. brilliant idea surely? not if youre some stuck up, upperclass snob who believes theyve earnt their place at the top of the ladder and should be rewarded.
they should open their eyes and realise they are, either by the inheritance theyve been lucky enough to roll in along with their estate or their high paying jobs.
earn more? then you can afford to pay a little more to help us out.
simple really.

david cameron, in my mind, should do the decent thing and step down. i dont wish to live in a country which is lead by a man who's never had a proper job in his life, has been treated to the finest things and never had to once struggle for money. i wonder how the credit crunch has affected him? only 3 cars instead of 4?
i doubt hes ever had to bugdet just to have enough food in the cupboard. or take on two jobs at one. or borrow money from family and friends just to make ends meet.
because of his upbringing, he focuses on the upper-class, and come the storm the rest of us will be left to drown.

step forward mr clegg, we're waiting for you.

Sunday, 9 May 2010

not so pretty

ive always know im in 'not so pretty, but funny friend' and its something ive accepted.
sure, i could try and be one of the skinny girls.
wear the right make up and the right clothes.
look like the norm, the norm that we've been told countless times by the media that we need to strive for. 
but ive never really wanted to.
ive always known i was a bit funny looking, too big to be called sexy, i have a habit of putting my foot in my mouth alot of the time, and have been told im not 'cool' enough too many times to count.
but it never really bothered me.

people have said theres something about me that still gets me noticed, im not sure whether its a good thing or not. 
sometimes being noticed backfires on me, i get noticed for the wrong reason. 
having abuse shouted at you across the road just because someone doesnt like the way you look, or feels the need to announce that your arse is too big for their liking is horrible. a lovely day can come crashing down because of some loudmouth. 
i'll be walking with my usual bounce, then my shoulders will slump because some stranger knows exactly how to hit home.

im the friend who always has a smile on her face, whether or not its genuine, just to try and bring a smile to people around me. i dont like the ones i love being sad, and as we all know a smile is contagious. 

i like being a little bit wierd, not quite normal. its nice to know i dont need to conform to whats in fashion, whats normal, whats accepted today.
but sometimes, it just seems as if it would be easier to be one of 'those girls', who wear the right clothes, look the right way and sit there with a plastic smile on their face doing what they're meant to do to attract the opposite sex.
but that wouldnt be me.
so it might be easier on the surface, but underneath id be empty.
so it looks like its staying like a bit of a freak :)

Friday, 7 May 2010

sorry, this isnt for you

ever felt excluded? 
i havent in a very long time, and now i have.
its stupid, but when you consider yourself peoples friend you kind of expect that you're included?

sometimes its apparently not like that.
and its horrible.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

its funny, all this 'clever' business

the other day, a good friend said i was 'intelligent' and it stopped me in my tracks, as they will well concur :)
ive never considered myself to be overly clever, intelligent, educated or anything else under that umbrella of meaning.
ive often been confused by long words, but longed to find out what they mean, who says them and why they have the impact that they do.
i understand people, and animals and nature. emotions are something that have always been easy for me to empathise with, ive been able to know when somebodys different without a word or even a look for a long time. and thats a type of intelligence i wouldnt swap for the world.
give me that over mathematics any day.
i dont understand concepts, where some apparently educated person says 'a' combined with 'b' will lead to 'c'. Just because it seems like the logical explanation. 
theories i get, because i get to ask why.

i always want to know why.
why is a question i find myself asking alot.
'why is the sky blue?'
'how do the clouds stay up there?'
'why cant people give peace a chance?'
'why do blue and yellow make green?'
'why dont we as a human race, try these big ideas we keep talking about, rather than deciding it wont work through the writings on a piece of paper?'


i like to understand, dig a little deeper under the given answer. you may have a perfectly logical answer, but why cant i look a little more? 

i find that the idea of being 'clever' is far too often categorised through the educational system. im not saying im stupid, i do better than average in my studies, but i think its because im generally the one asking apparently stupid questions in discussions. i want to know why something is decided, or why it happened, or why no-ones ever thought about it.

sometimes its fun to ask why.
sometimes it opens more difficult answers.
but its always interesting.

knowing different things amuses me, looking at it from a slightly different perspective. 
it lets you see something a bit different. and who wants to know just the norm?

Monday, 3 May 2010

wanting for what you wait for

ive always said that id never post anything on the Internet that i wouldn't be able to say to the person its about, or discuss with a friend for advice.
i think ive managed to keep that pretty well, granted we all have slip ups, but creating a fictitious character using a photo, some clever words and a keyboard- and then trying to pass it off as yourself is ridiculous.
being true to myself comes first.

open the windows of your mind, 
push out the lies,
clear away the clutter,
and welcome the truth in.

so surely...a clutter free mind could eventually lead to a clutter free life? 
or at the very least one without so many unwanted complications.

recently, ive realised that although a relationship is something ive come to crave, its something that has no place in my life at the moment unless its perfect.

but does perfection exist? perfect people- no. but perfect moments- undoubtedly. 

i always said that id make room for the right guy, no matter what id find a way to work on the relationship that gave me butterflies. the guy who made me smile when i was afraid of the dark.
it turns out that isnt enough.
i need that guy, who wants exactly what i want. whos willing to wait for me to finish finding myself before planning the future.

i need to finish finding out exactly who i am, what makes me tick, what i want to fulfill my every wish before i can hand my future to someone else.

if someone was the same as me, craving that closeness, someone to cuddle, someone to hold, to share the smiles and joys with aswell as the sorrows- but still finding themselves...

I need a companion.
Whos on my journey.
Maybe not the same path.
But heading towards the same destination of self discovery...

But mostly, i need someone who needs me.
Who i need.
Someone who can accept me for who i am,
without wanting to change me.

who loves me for who i am.

life laugh love.