not so pretty

ive always know im in 'not so pretty, but funny friend' and its something ive accepted.

sure, i could try and be one of the skinny girls.

wear the right make up and the right clothes.

look like the norm, the norm that we've been told countless times by the media that we need to strive for. 

but ive never really wanted to.

ive always known i was a bit funny looking, too big to be called sexy, i have a habit of putting my foot in my mouth alot of the time, and have been told im not 'cool' enough too many times to count.

but it never really bothered me.

people have said theres something about me that still gets me noticed, im not sure whether its a good thing or not. 

sometimes being noticed backfires on me, i get noticed for the wrong reason. 

having abuse shouted at you across the road just because someone doesnt like the way you look, or feels the need to announce that your arse is too big for their liking is horrible. a lovely day can come crashing down because of some loudmouth. 

i'll be walking with my usual bounce, then my shoulders will slump because some stranger knows exactly how to hit home.

im the friend who always has a smile on her face, whether or not its genuine, just to try and bring a smile to people around me. i dont like the ones i love being sad, and as we all know a smile is contagious. 

i like being a little bit wierd, not quite normal. its nice to know i dont need to conform to whats in fashion, whats normal, whats accepted today.

but sometimes, it just seems as if it would be easier to be one of 'those girls', who wear the right clothes, look the right way and sit there with a plastic smile on their face doing what they're meant to do to attract the opposite sex.

but that wouldnt be me.

so it might be easier on the surface, but underneath id be empty.

so it looks like its staying like a bit of a freak :)

sorry, this isnt for you

ever felt excluded? 

i havent in a very long time, and now i have.

its stupid, but when you consider yourself peoples friend you kind of expect that you're included?

sometimes its apparently not like that.

and its horrible.

its funny, all this 'clever' business

the other day, a good friend said i was 'intelligent' and it stopped me in my tracks, as they will well concur :)
ive never considered myself to be overly clever, intelligent, educated or anything else under that umbrella of meaning.
ive often been confused by long words, but longed to find out what they mean, who says them and why they have the impact that they do.
i understand people, and animals and nature. emotions are something that have always been easy for me to empathise with, ive been able to know when somebodys different without a word or even a look for a long time. and thats a type of intelligence i wouldnt swap for the world.
give me that over mathematics any day.
i dont understand concepts, where some apparently educated person says 'a' combined with 'b' will lead to 'c'. Just because it seems like the logical explanation. 
theories i get, because i get to ask why.


i always want to know why.
why is a question i find myself asking alot.
'why is the sky blue?'
'how do the clouds stay up there?'
'why cant people give peace a chance?'
'why do blue and yellow make green?'
'why dont we as a human race, try these big ideas we keep talking about, rather than deciding it wont work through the writings on a piece of paper?'


why?


i like to understand, dig a little deeper under the given answer. you may have a perfectly logical answer, but why cant i look a little more? 


i find that the idea of being 'clever' is far too often categorised through the educational system. im not saying im stupid, i do better than average in my studies, but i think its because im generally the one asking apparently stupid questions in discussions. i want to know why something is decided, or why it happened, or why no-ones ever thought about it.


sometimes its fun to ask why.
sometimes it opens more difficult answers.
but its always interesting.


knowing different things amuses me, looking at it from a slightly different perspective. 
it lets you see something a bit different. and who wants to know just the norm?

wanting for what you wait for

ive always said that id never post anything on the Internet that i wouldn't be able to say to the person its about, or discuss with a friend for advice.
i think ive managed to keep that pretty well, granted we all have slip ups, but creating a fictitious character using a photo, some clever words and a keyboard- and then trying to pass it off as yourself is ridiculous.
being true to myself comes first.

open the windows of your mind, 
push out the lies,
clear away the clutter,
and welcome the truth in.


so surely...a clutter free mind could eventually lead to a clutter free life? 
or at the very least one without so many unwanted complications.


recently, ive realised that although a relationship is something ive come to crave, its something that has no place in my life at the moment unless its perfect.

but does perfection exist? perfect people- no. but perfect moments- undoubtedly. 

i always said that id make room for the right guy, no matter what id find a way to work on the relationship that gave me butterflies. the guy who made me smile when i was afraid of the dark.
it turns out that isnt enough.
i need that guy, who wants exactly what i want. whos willing to wait for me to finish finding myself before planning the future.

i need to finish finding out exactly who i am, what makes me tick, what i want to fulfill my every wish before i can hand my future to someone else.

if someone was the same as me, craving that closeness, someone to cuddle, someone to hold, to share the smiles and joys with aswell as the sorrows- but still finding themselves...

I need a companion.
Whos on my journey.
Maybe not the same path.
But heading towards the same destination of self discovery...

But mostly, i need someone who needs me.
Who i need.
Someone who can accept me for who i am,
without wanting to change me.



who loves me for who i am.


life laugh love.

a beautiful song

Run- Stephen Fretwell.

Run, run like the wind
Don't wait for a thing
There is nothing here for you
But if you stay
Well then let me say
I'll go out of my way for you

It's not like before
I'll say no more
Everyone else has said it for me
A beautiful tree
A beautiful tree
It's a shame that the root of it's me

Sleep, sleep on the floor
A knock on the door
To tell me if you want some more
I can't relate
To what's on your plate
And my appetite never failed before

A beautiful tree
A beautiful tree
It's a shame that the root of it's me
A beautiful tree
A beautiful tree
It's a shame that the root of it's me

Tell me tomorrow
I'll wait by the window for you

Run, run like the wind
Don't wait for a thing
There is nothing here for you
But if you stay
Well then let me say
I'll go out of my way for you

It's not like before
I'll say no more
Everyone else has said it for me
A beautiful tree
A beautiful tree
It's a shame that the root of it's me

Tell me tomorrow I'll wait by the window for you
I'll wait by the big house for you
I'll wait by the squeezebox for you
I'll wait by your dresses for you 


obviously not my lyrics, but they're beautiful. and make me smile. share the love <3

a smile, a laugh, a tear

there's this boy.
and hell does he make me smile.
he holds me, and makes me want to face the darkness. he makes me realise theres light on the other side.
with him, i know i can do anything. my secret weapon if you will.
just one spanner in the works, by letting myself like him, im scared ive hurt a friend. and i know how to fix it if she asks me to.
thats the worse thing, i know exactly what i'll have to do.
i just dont know if i'll want to.
so im hoping i'll never have to make that choice again, a guy who makes you smile, or your friend. i know the right choice, and i know i'll decide whats right for my friend.
heres hoping thats not going to happen :)

thinking of you

at my lowest moments i think of you, and for some reason you pull me out of the dark. but when you chose, you can take the light away again.

it makes no sense- i know the rules of this game, and to continue playing means im going to lose in the end, but i keep on taking part.

im going to lose if i play, but if i dont then ive already lost. i dont want to lose just yet.

because losing means the end, and im not ready for that.

you make me feel safe, and vunerable to every thing in the world.

you put a smile on my face, and can take it away just as easily.

you call me beautiful, and aware of each worst part of me.

i feel amazing with you, then i know everything can come crashing down.

it makes perfect sense, yet no sense at all.

its a game i want to play, and one that isnt anywhere near completed.