apples and cuddles

Red and green-

Green-

Apple.

Appetising?

Appealing?

Almost....

....Enough.

Engjoyable?

Eaten?

I like apples :)

**************

A heart's a flutter,

these feelings de-clutter,

when i lie inside your arms.

Minute by minute...

Days fly by,

while i lie,

encaptured in your arms.

Minute by minute....

Smile leaves lips,

as time it slips,

ending this scene in your arms.

Minute by minute....

A wave goodbye,

inside i cry,

until i'm back in your arms.

Scared

She's scared of the things going through her head,
She's scared of the monsters under her bed.
She's frightened these feelings just won't go away,
She's frightened they'll ruin the end of her day.
She's terrified from now on this is the way-

Each day will end, each night will begin.

Blocking the mind, and what lies within.

She sleeps with the night light, to keep her safe,

She sleeps knowing no difference that light will make. 

She lies there still, frozen with fears.

She lies there too scared to shout or shed tears.

"Big girls aren't scared, and big girls don't cry" 

But big girls aren't scared of that thing in the corner of your eye.

But she doesn't feel big, and she doesn't feel right,

She's a scared little princess, who gets scared at night.

theres no place like home

currently, ive been back home, back as a resident of bristol for 8 days.
and im loving it.

moving back here was the hardest thing i've done in a long time, saying goodbye to friends that i'd never live with again, leaving the job ive had for the last however long, packing up the room which has held so many wonderful memories for me.
and saying goodbye to the boy.
desperatly trying to stay up all night, grasping the few hours left before moving away.
to some, that may seem over dramatic. but for those who have had to said goodbye to their partner, knowing that everything changes from the moment you leave is the most heart wrenching thing.
because once you leave, everything changes.

i know we'll be ok, because we have to be.
we're soulmates <3

new job time, working at my new place im finally getting a chance to put my people skills to use. making connections with some amazing new people, making new friends.
new life, back home.
i love it :)

sunshine,,,

sunshine is a wonderful thing, it makes everything seem that little bit brighter, beautiful and positive.
even on the darkest day, a little sunshine turns everything around.
walking through manchester with the sun shining, my summery clothes on, holding hands with the boy is lovely. exactly the mini time off i needed before the next few weeks really kick in...



sunshine.
smiles.
love.
all you need really :)

relationships

are hard.
compromises arent always met.
ho hum.

no more "ifs" and no more "buts"

so im sat here watching Wrestlmania, with the girls, the lads and the boy and i have a spare few minutes, so naturally i start over-thinking things.
firstly, money. its a commodity i dont care for, and i long for a world where theres a different form of trade- you work for something you want or need, instead of working for the money, the middle man which just makes things more difficult.
happily, id go back to trading chickens :)

love, in all its forms. it seems that as love for one grows, others dismiss the love you have for them- because to some it seems that you cant love your lover, and your friends, the same ammount- when you quite clearly can, in different ways.
strange no?
id like people to allow the balance, it'd be nice please.

next year- finnally got the ball rolling, and started applying for jobs. one of which is up north, a long way away for sure....away from my friends, my family and my boy. but an amazing job in theatre, im not sure if id go, but who knows what the outcome will be?

live, laugh, love <3

umbrolly

my mind is very strange.
the most amazing things are happening in my life at the moment- im in love with an amazing boy, i have a few months until my 'real life' begins and actually have ideas about what i want to do with it, the sun is shining, and it finally feels like things are slowly but surely falling into place.
but theres still a funk to be stuck in.
a grey storm cloud.

but ive got my umbrella just in case :)

motivation

recently the feeling of motivation i always used to hold, and treasure has slipped from me.
i used to strive for the grades in my course, want to do well in essays and performances i took part in, perfection was something i was always working for.
but recently, i just dont have that drive.
the care, the want to do well isnt there anymore.

theatre was my passion, deep down somewhere in my heart it still is and always will be, but currently not even that is pulling any motivation or creativity from within.
creativitiy leaving me is a terrible feeling, its the thing ive always been able to rely on.

my course used to stimulate me, excite me and show oppurtunities. now, it seems mundane. the want for perfect grades has left, leaving a want to float through, doing the bare minimum.

i miss my creativity.

shall we test drive it?

the start of 2011 has been interesting, challenging, heartfelt, frightening and...everything i thought it would be :)
since the1st of janurary, ive had talks which have changed everything with certain people and changed me, ive fallen in love again (after thinking id never feel that way again...), ive seen best friends achieve their dreams, friends who ive lost after years of friendship, ive been admitted to hospital as an emergency case, and ive laughed.
ive laughed alot in the last month or so :)

talking- talking without barriers allows you to open yourself up, to share things with a certain person and to share, and discover ideas that might have never been shared before.
im a big believer in talking things through, for a while anyhoo. i believe that after a certain ammount of time talking will only hold you back, if you've spoken about it enough then going over old ground again will be just that. going over old ground. talk is good, for a while.
but talking for other reasons can be amazing. two people talking can achieve something amazing.
you can get to a test drive situation :)
which turns into something more permenant <3

love- this is a feeling i didnt think id feel again for a very long time, if ever. i was prepared for that- but now ive felt it again, its the most terrifying sensation but one im so excited about. this is a new adventure, and its one i dont want to end.
i have my boy, and now my soppy rant is over.

one of my best friends achieved her dreams this year, after years of training and.,....stuff (i dont know as i dont do it) she got accepted into the drama school of her dreams <3 im so very proud of her, and hope she knows this.
its given me the drive to strive for what i want- and i know il get there.

friendships. difficult to explain. some grow, some diminish, many change. ive lost friends, ive gained friends, and i've moved around in peoples lives.
losing someone, when you've tried your absolute hardest to hold on to them is the most gut wrenching, sole destroying feeling in the world.
but ive started to belive that whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger.
<3

new year, new times, same cole

Another lovely year.
And ive got a feeling its going to be lovely. It really really is.
Ive learnt alot over the past year, all of which is stored up to make 2011 a year of fulfilling amazing dreams, and chasing after what i want. Even if it isnt always caught, sometimes the chase can be where you learn so much more than once you reach the end.
This year will hold friends, family, excitement, happiness, the unexpected, challenges which i will succeed in, and of course. Love <3 (and copious amounts of tea!)
Im a true believer in head over heels, gut wrenching, knocks you off your feet love.
It comes in all forms, but this might just be the right year.
So lets get going shall we.

Live. Laugh. Love

miss, ive got bonk.

look for the silver lining.
the glass is half full, not half empty.
its all going to be ok.
and something ive realised now, is that everything will always be ok in the end :)

through life, we're all handed challenges for some reason or another- be it personal growth, god, fate, karma...take your pick- but theres always a reason behind it. it just happens that sometimes its hard to see until afterwards.

life is a journey, with many different paths ultimately leading to the same destination. i truly do believe that theres something planned for us by some other power, once again im not sure as to what, and although we may take a different, and sometimes more difficult route than intended, we get to where we're meant to in the end.
sometimes challenging, sometimes uplifting,sometimes neither. but every twist and turn we take is to be taken as a lesson, it helps make us who we will be.
it sounds rather preachy this,but its a realisation ive had recently and its helped alot

And now i know that "One Day"...

• I'll have perfected my baking, and make my own wedding cake.
• I will open my very own bakery, with creations dedicated to my friends and  open mic nights on thursday evenings.
• I'll fall head over heels with the person im meant for.
• I'll marry the man who deserves me, and who i deserve.
• I'll be a mother when im ready. 
• Im going to travel the world. 
• I'll be Beatrice in a professional performance of "Much Ado About Nothing"
• I'll have the life im working for <3

Im ready. Lets go.

Live. Laugh. Love.

cloudy

sometimes everything feels like it should.
sometimes everything feels like it shouldnt.
things fall perfectly into place, then just as easily they shatter from the slightest touch.
uncertainty with situations are fine, but with emotions. it hurts.

happiness

its a lovely feeling.
when everything seems to fall into place.
terrified things with fall apart, but for now they seem to hold.
happy cole :)
sun is shining, the friends, family and the boy <3


theres always a reason to smile.
xxx

thought i'd forgotten

a text from a face you thought you'd forgotten.
a kind word from a mouth you never though would speak again.
a memory rises you'd tried hard to push down.
pulls at the heart you thought you'd locked away.


Colin Hay <3


I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

dont

dont complain about things if you're not willing to do anything to change them.
dont complain about how people broke your heart, lied to you, were something they werent- and then meet them for a coffee.
dont say i dont listen when its all im trying to do.
dont focus on the negetive when everyone else is pointing towards the positive.
dont tell me my views are wrong, just because they're not the same as yours.
dont lie, when the truth will come out.
dont tell me im important. then when i turn around im not.
dont give me that attitude, cause il give more than you ever could.

and over to you...

ive now realised that no matter how much i hope for something, there are just some things i cant change by myself.
i cant make people realise how much good they have in their lives, they have to open up their eyes and see past the darkness.
its impossible to make somebody feel something, no matter how much you want them to.
its also impossible to make people keep a promise to you, even if it breaks your heart to see the promise broken.
and even if you wish for something with everything you have, you can never make someone tell the truth until they want to.

but you can make yourself :)
i realise the good, i open my eyes, i feel everything, i keep promises i make, and the truth is the foundation.
some people just dont realise.
<3

realisation

some people are always going to lie, be it family, friends or polticans. they're always going to.
they pull at your heart strings, because you care. but you belive them because if you dont, the worst could happen.
the pain for being lied to is more managable than the pain of knowing you couldve helped if something went wrong.
so you carry on like a good person, but being a good person doesnt always mean its painfree.

simple things

walks in the rain. running through daffodils. rolling down hills. finger painting. painting in general. making a mess. baking cakes and licking the bowl afterwards. kneading bread. standing in a hot shower for ages, steaming up the mirror to write messages on it. singing even though its not in tune. dancing even though i have no rhythm. telling stories. drawing pictures. learning new things. banging on drums. playing the saxophone. kisses on my forehead. kisses on my lips. hugs. chats in the middle of the night. pub gardens. cheesey chips after a night out. dancing like a loon in the middle of a club. knowing my friends are always with me. believing in something else, although not sure exactly what that is. knowing i have an extra ten minutes in bed. duvet days. finishing an essay. walking across a stage. the sense of happiness when an audience applauses. reading poems. jumping in the deep end of the swimming pool. watching fishes. daydreaming. doing something i never thought i could. falling in love, even though it terrifies me. finding out that person likes you back. toast with butter&jam. going home. being here. walking in the night. summer evenings. going to new places. meeting new people. looking at photos. reading through my diary. dyeing my hair. laughing for so long it hurts. laughing so loud people turn around. ribena. comedy. tragedy. writing letters to friends. getting letters from friends. cups of tea. bottles of beer. jager shots. that warm feeling you get after a sip of whiskey. birthday cake. the feeling on sand underneath your feet. making buttercream. knowing you make one person so happy without even trying. accepting whats what. knowing youve done a good thing. karma. being tipped at work. happy customers. acting like a child. late night invitations. people smiling. people getting on.

:)

:)

sometimes little things you hear make you smile.
you never know if they're completely true or not, but sometimes ignorance really is bliss :)

funny how times change

today started off as a really lovely day. it was sunny, i had flowery clothes on and on the agenda was a presentation with my friends, a walk through nature with another good friend and a work night with my girls.
the presenation was a real laugh, we werent really sure what we were talking about but we had fun while we were doing it :) and i got to spend some time with girls ive known for two years, but never get time to hang out with. girls, giggles and the sunshine. lovely.
jaffa took me walking over the old hills this afternoon, and it was truely lovely. i got to roll down the hills which i havent done in years. i climbed a tree, i bleated at the lambs, i jumped in puddles, i ran through daffodils and i played on a rope swing. i was allowed to be a little girl again.
i was truely happy, i was allowed to sit on a hill and just be for a little bit. i remembered things, i laughed, i cried and i felt alot. just being sat amongst trees and listening to the birds. it was beautiful. and i was happy. the happiest ive been in a long time.
then i came to see my girls, stopping briefly to have a quick rant at a lovely lecturer who knows far too much about my life than she probably should!
we planned an all nighter, and before obviously comes a little fun on facebook. this is where the trouble began, i was having friendly banter with a friend about a photo on facebook, and apparently friendly banter isnt a phrase understood by all.
when some thinks youre "trying to steal somebodys boyfriend" the only evidence they need is something they can make up themselves. so....this obviously leads to five people commenting about the worst things you think about yourself on a public website. what makes it worse is that these people dont know you, theyre just out to hurt someones feelings for a kick.
and i felt that kick.

"wow mate...i didnt know you were all about saving the whales"
"didnt know you had a cow dude!"
"apparently she lost her manners along side her golden weight..."
"does being fat make you rude too? he has a girlfriend!"

im very aware he has a girlfriend. but he also has friends. apparently that isnt allowed anymore.
my girls tried to back me up, but i was aware that whatever we said was adding fuel to the fire. but i couldnt let it go.
those who know me are aware that i dont let many things get to me, and i let even fewer affect me to the extent i show it.
but when people that dont know you, or anything about you, simply see you as a target for their abuse.
its not fair.
its not nice.
its just plain fucking rude.
and it hurts. it really does.
i thought the days of being bullied were over with school. i thought people grew up.

i know its not the end of the world, my girls made me laugh, my friends offered words of comfort and advice.
and then a text made me smile, really smile. and cry, because it was from the friend who took me to the hills, and saw me like the little girl i used to be-
"the place i showed you today, the girl rolling down that slope was beautiful because she laughed and smiled and have fun. fuck anyone else who says otherwise. trust me xx"

things are bad, things are good...but things always have a way of making you smile.

livelaughlove <3